I’m laying in my bed after watching Sherlock’s series 4 finale (The Final Problem? Not knowing whether it’s over or not.) listening to Nick Drake’s “Which Will” on repeat in the wee hours of the morn. I’m crying. Why, I don’t fully know. I cried quite a bit near the end and after Sherlock’s finale, being swept up in it all. But right now, I don’t know why I’m crying. My soul is crying, I suppose. I’ve been scared for the past few months, ever since November. There was a brief period in the middle that I was lulled into apathy/still living in Obama’s Administration. That feeling has been quickly melting away recently.
I understand why I’m crying now. My soul knows these next couple of years are going to be a struggle; they’re going to be tough and dangerous. It’s trying to comfort me, tell me that we’ll fight all of this together. Many others can’t say the same for their immediate safety. Of course, I don’t know for sure how things will turn out, but my soul is assuring me I’ll be strong. Tears are rolling down my face but I feel sorrowfully happy. Like something is ending and another is beginning; another stage of my life. And as I listen to Nick Drake, I think of the movie soundtrack for Saoirse Ronan’s “How I Live Now” I first heard it on, making it feel so poignantly relevant to the internal crisis I’m in right now.
I believe this feeling of melancholy is wanting to be able to be seen by people. I want to be myself. All of myself. I hide it away so well under my asocial, introverted shyness: how funny I can be, and how caring I really am. The weeping is because I feel like I’m ready to take the next step. I’m ready to take more adventures, to be myself and to laugh unashamedly with others. Granted this new me isn’t going to be born overnight. Yet I feel these next two years and on will see me taking positive strides to being more like the person I see everyday in the mirror that makes funny faces and speaks in funny accents, longing to show people who she is, but stopping herself short. But at the same time, I am T E R R I F I E D of being seen by people. I don’t like attention, but can crave validation (funny how that is).
So I’m working towards showing people who I am. Sometimes you just need a good cry to listen to your feelings. Baby steps.